My heavy, but light heart.

Life is some what slow right now and there has been a lack of photo's to share so I thought I'd share a little something that I wrote last week. One thing I've come to conclusion about, regarding facebook or blogging, is that I shouldn't have expectations on comments or feel some sort of rejection if no one leaves comments. I've struggled with that before (which is silly!) when sharing deep thoughts and even some times when sharing fun and silly thoughts! Either way I wrote from the heart.

Yesterday my spirits were fairly above average. I took joy in the simplest chore or activity I was doing. All around, I felt good. I was happy that I would get the opportunity to work with an organization that I feel called to. I was excited about baking homemade cookies, picking up the room, finally taking time to read, sharing communion with my husband and fellow believers, and spending time with new friends.

I’ve felt on my heart that I wanted to be apart of this organization called Meals on Wheels. For those of you who are not familiar with this group they basically help provide a meal for the elderly. Today was my first hands on experience with delivering food to their homes. I’m very happy to say that for this period of my life that I am able to be apart of something like this. It helps me to remember my papa and my mema Robbins. It helps me to be thankful for the wonderful mema that I have who is still living and breathing. My heart has felt very strongly this desire to help the elderly in some shape or form. My number one desire is to share all of the memories I can with my mema while she is still here with me on Earth and I also hope to be blessed by the new people that I meet.

I don’t have too much to say regarding the cookies, except they surely blessed my stomach. I enjoyed about 7 cookies yesterday and really had no shame in doing so. I was also very grateful to finally get to share them with the staff members at the Church I live in. The thing about cooking meals here is that the smells linger all around the Church. I’ve heard many comments from the preacher regarding the sweet smells of baked goods, so I figured it was about time to share some of that sweetness! I do hope that they enjoyed them!

I can’t explain why “picking up” the room was a joyful experience. Actually, I do find a lot of joy in the end result. I’ve always really liked things neat and organized, so even when I make the bed it makes me feel like I’ve accomplished something of importance. I am self-employed at the moment with lots of free time, so that’s probably why these type of things seem exciting! I also had some motivation since we had wonderful beautiful people come by and hang out with us!

I was really excited about catching the bus that takes you from UNC to Duke. For me right now it feels like an escape! I can put my headphones on and enjoy the 30 minute ride from Chapel Hill to Durham (and it’s FREE!). My plan yesterday was to take some quality time to read this book called “Jesus for President.” I enjoy reading, but I tend not to make enough time in my life to actually do it. I want to read more. It may sound silly, but I’m craving to stir up more memories from my past. Some times I feel like I can be forgetful and that there are amazing memories that I haven’t thought about in a long time. The book is also something that just helps me spiritually and makes me strive to be a better person, to be like Jesus. That may sound like an overused statement, but that’s what Christians are called to be like and I hope one day I can put aside my wants, my pride, and my selfish desires to be the person I am called out to be.

Chris and I are blessed with the opportunity to experience communion together and with other fellow believers on a weekly basis. This is something I have never experienced except quarterly at the churches I grew up in. It’s very humbling for me. There’s one part they say each week that always reaches out to me. She/He names out the different reason you may be there and one is for the feeling of failure. What this means for me is the feeling of failing in my relationship with Christ. God hasn’t given up on me (nor any of His children). I think we all feel this way sometimes. It can be hard to deal with feelings of not feeling worthy or feeling like you’re never going to meet the standards of the world. It’s just very welcoming that everyone can come and take part in the body and blood of Christ. Chris is right, there’s something different in sharing the experience with a body of people instead of doing it as in individual (which is the way I grew up!).

This all leads me to today. I was joyful today in the sense that I knew I was going to be able to meet new people and visit cute elderly men and women. That was a blessing. My heart has also felt a lot heavier today. There’s something I read in “Jesus for President” that really stuck out to me from a feeling I’ve been having lately. It says, “Look into the eyes of the ones who are hardest for you to like, and see the One you love.” I don’t feel like I have a lot of enemies in this world or at least I hope I don’t. I tend to be a fairly easy person to get a long with, but every once in a while you come across people that you just don’t click very well with. I’ve had a situation in my life happen where I’ve been feeling these horrible feelings toward someone. In some ways I feel like I have that right (which I DON’T!), but my heart doesn’t want to feel this way towards anyone. When God says to love your enemy it wasn’t a joke, He meant it. It doesn’t make me a better person for sharing all of this, but I hope it helps me to make peace with this person. Everybody deals with different circumstances in their lives and that’s something I have to be reminded of when I have these feelings. I want to have a more prayerful heart I don’t want to lash out so strongly with some of my feelings. I know with Christ's love in my heart that I am capable of doing so without becoming angry or bitter.

If you took the time to read this long note please take the time to pray for me, specifically for patients and more love.